His Desire
by goldenspringtime
Summary: Loki wants it even though he doesn't want to want it. Warnings inside.


**A/N: I don't own Thor. **

**Warnings: Contains drug-like desires and parallels but it contains no actual drugs. **

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><p>There were bugs under his skin. They were constantly just skittering away, biting, scratching, at him where he couldn't get them right under his skin. He had tried to get at them, but no matter how hard he scratched he could never get to them. The bugs wouldn't leave him alone, no matter how much he wished they would. Almost as much as he wanted the bugs to go away he wanted the scepter back in his hand. Yet as much as he wanted it, he was glad it was far away, somewhere far away enough so that he disinclined to get it from the Midgardians. Not that he could get there even if he wanted to since he was stuck in the cell, but this was where he had wanted to be. It was the safest place from Thanos and from the scepter.<p>

He didn't want to be safe from the scepter.

_'__Yes he did__'_ Another part of himself argued.

The itching got worse and Loki bit back a scream of frustration, anger and fear. He could project an illusion of him just sitting on the bed, but he couldn't counter a scream. He wanted his mother, he wanted Thor, he wanted someone, anyone to just be there for him while he dealt with this.

At the same time though he knew he would never tell. Firstly because no one would believe him and secondly it was better for them to believe the lie than the truth. It was better that they didn't know...everything. That he was a coward. Better to be a ruthless villain, than a coward. Cowardice was the lowest thing for an Asgardian to be, even lower than a villain. To be so reliant on something was something unheard of in Asgard.

He wanted the scepter so bad. It was calling to him, he wished that he could leave the prison and go to it. It would make him feel better. It would stop the pain.

'_It had caused the pain_' another part of him countered.

'_It made everything better_' the other part argued.

It had made him into an even worse villain the other part said one that could never be forgiven or loved.

He didn't want love! All he wanted was to rule! Loki winced as the old thoughts circulated in his head. The effects of the scepter still circulated in his head sometimes.

He wanted the scepter. Why had he done this to himself? Why had he made Erik put the safety into the scepter? Albeit subtly so Erik wouldn't know. That was like the Iron Man said a very bad plan, because now he was separated from the scepter.

_'__That's why you did it idiot__'_ the other part of his brain said,_ '__Because you knew you were too weak to say no and you were tired of being controlled__'_. He was too weak, so weak, he wanted the scepter. The bugs were gone now and now he was hot. Being hot was worse than the bugs because it felt like he was burning; he had never done well with heat. It was so painful. Why had he subjected himself to this?

_'__Because you hate being controlled and you wanted to sever the connection between you and Thanos.__'_ Loki flinched as he thought of Thanos. The way that he would torture him again and again. The scepter, he wanted the scepter, It took everything bad away. the pain, guilt, and memories. It had felt so nice. _'__You were controlled' the other part of his mind said, 'and you let it happen willingly__.'_

Loki scrunched in on his side. He didn't like that voice, didn't like that it reminded him of the past. He was a coward. If he hadn't been a coward than he would have fought: he would have been able to overpower Thanos. Thor surely would have been able to. The pain. The pain. The whips. The swords. The pain.

He had thought he had known pain before, but he hadn't. The Other promised him more if he failed and he had on purpose. Loki curled in on his side even more. This pain he was feeling now would be nothing if Thanos managed to get to him again.

_'__That's why you're in here.__' _the voice reminded him there no where more safe from Thanos then the prison in Asgard. He had hoped for death.

_'__No you weren't.__'_ the other part of his mind said dismissively. He wanted death now, to escape from the pain, the guilt, and the knowledge of his cowardice.

He wanted the scepter; he wanted it now. Maybe if he told Thor... maybe if he begged than maybe Thor would get it for him?

_'__He hasn't visited you since you were left down here to rot.__' _the other part of his brain said, _'__Besides you would have to tell him the truth.__'_ Loki closed his eyes, he couldn't tell Thor the truth. He had prided himself on being strong, even if he couldn't match Thor's physical strength, he had always done his best to surpass him in wit and it brains. Had always done his best to never let Thor see him be weak.

He wanted the scepter. The scepter would make everything better. _'__The scepter made you even more into a monster,__'_ the other voice said with spite. He wanted the scepter still; it would bring him comfort the way that nothing else could. He wanted it in his hand, to feel the rush of joy, and absence of all negative feelings.

_'__Even though it meant you were being controlled.__' _the voice said. Loki wanted to get out of the cage and go to Midgard and get his scepter. _'__You were tired of letting Thanos control you."_the voice reminded him again and Loki wished the other part of his mind would leave him alone.

Loki didn't care anymore why he had decided to purposely subtly give Erik the idea for the backup plan in hopes that Erik might end it. It had been a moment of clarity in the haze of the scepter, and he had known it wouldn't last long; in the short time it had lasted he had hinted at the concept in Erik's mind. He didn't care though, not at the moment, not while the pain coursed through his skin at the hotness of it.

His entire time on Midgard had been pretty hazy. It had been full of happiness and the lack of the bad emotions due to the effects of the scepter. The scepter had effected him differently than it had effected the humans. That much was true. It had made everything hazy, yet delightful. He hadn't had to think about anything. Except for when he had been too far away from the scepter to feel it's full influence. Like when Thor had taken him from the flying Midgard device and then the scepters influence flickered in and out. The scepter had quite the range; so much so that when he had lost the scepter later he had still been in range for pretty much the entire time.

He wanted the scepter again. To fill the lovely thrum of magic flow through his being. It was so far away, too far for him to feel its influence. He didn't even need to necessarily steal it from the Midgardians, just be close enough to feel its effects.

_'__Which was useless since you are trapped in a cell,_' the voice reminded him._Shut up!_he screamed at the voice in his head. _Was it really so terrible that he wanted the scepter back?__ T_o stop feeling again and just let someone else take control of his actions. He only needed to see it for a second and the effect would still flicker on and off for weeks.

_'__You are so weak, no wonder nobody wants you._' the voice said in his mind. It was the voice, he wanted to quiet it. The voice had always been gone when he had the scepter; the voice inside of him that was always reminding him of his faults.

_'__And you see how well that turned out._' the voice said in return snidely. He had just wanted to be rid of it all the doubts, the fear, the anger, the guilt, the rage, everything.

_'__Which is why you are a coward._' the voice said. Especially the pain. He had been tortured again and again, because for some reason they had wanted or perhaps needed him to touch the scepter willingly. He had tried to be strong, to not give in, because he could feel something from the scepter when it was brought near him. Something both enticing but terrifying. Loki hadn't lasted forever though even if it had felt like it had been forever, eventually he had given and touched the scepter.

_'__You have proved yourself weak and to be what they always thought you were. A monster.__' _He wanted the scepter to drive out the voice the voice that had been there all his life, but had become stronger during the abyss: the fall into nothingness.

Memories had flooded back in the past few days. Memories of what he had done on earth, what he had done because he wasn't strong enough to fight it. Even it they were only Midgardians and wouldn't have lived much longer anyways.

Pity cognitive recalibration hadn't really worked for him like it had with the others. It was only when he was back in Asgard that the connection had been stretched too far, it had broken. He had been temporarily strong enough to get himself thrown into prison to keep himself away from his scepter, but that strength had ebbed sometime around the time where the pain had set it again.

Loki gripped tightly the bedsheets like a lifeline. Like if he could hold it tightly enough he would be able to lose his desire.

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><p><strong>AN: I'm not sure what's up with me I have several stories about Loki's motivations and some of them with outsides forces effecting him in mysterious ways. They also have varying amounts of culpability. So if you like these kind of stories I have some more. The stories are called Buried Memories, Darkness Bleeds, Good Intentions, Smarter than the Average Chitauri, Doozie and Take it. They're all one-shots except for Good Intentions.**

**Please review :)**


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